I Don't Do Outdoors...

I've never the outdoorsy type. I did put on a great front, back in the day but oooooh fuck, I hated it. Camping trips are just friginin nightmares to me and roughing it, well, you couldn't pay me to do it, ever again.I did it for the kids when they were little but when it comes right down to it, I'm a city slicker from way back when. Now, don't fuck it up, if need be, I will do just fine, less eating fucking fish that I've caught. But I will shoot the ass outa something and eat it, if I have to. C'mere, you're looking mighty tasty Mister. Pass the salt. Plus camping and such does bring out the savage man. I did so enjoy being ravaged, yea baby it turns me on when you drag me by my hair. Treat me like the dirty wench that I am.
Anyway, if the truth were known, I do enjoy my smoke breaks, outside. I can't smoke in the house, so I take my sorry ass, out back and light 'em up. I see all kinds of shit, that, if I quit smoking, I'd never see. I'd be lying if I said, I would go out and smoke, if I didn't have to and I could smoke in the house. But I tend to see nature, right here in the jungles of Long Island. Squirrels frolic and play with their flying trapeze antics, birds carry on, especially the blue jays with their hip hop attitudes. They like to gang up against other birds and talk smack constantly. I feed the birds, just about everything. If my nephew doesn't finish his food, the birds get it. Squirrels love waffle pieces with butter an syrup and blue jays love hot dogs, not to mention the couple of cats, if lucky, get a tid bit or two.

This year has produced an abnormally large amount of bugs, especially spiders and bees. The slugs were not as bad this year, thank God. Nothing is grosser than stepping on them, especially barefooted. Every seen the "Bug Squish Dance?" It's even more intense when you step on those nasty ass slugs. I hated them so much, that last year I contacted my son-in-law, who owns a Pest Control Co., to get tips on how to rid oneself of an over abundance of slugs. He had no idea, so I went on the Internet. The one and only thing I found, over and over was that slugs love beer. They said to dig a hole, fill a bowl with beer and extra yeast if possible and the slugs will go into the beer and drown.

Now, I know how to party with the best of intention but I did wonder about the etiquette. Should I send out invites or put balloons and streamers out back, maybe some festival lights? Make Horderves? What goes with stale beer? What kind of music do those slimy bitches listen to? There's just so much that goes into a good party, ya know?

I dug the hole and filled up a huge old margarine bowl(cause I keep everything and had one in the cupboard)with beer and yeast. Yes, fella's it's Party Time!

I went out the next morning, smoking my first cigarette, a bit hungover from the party, the night before. I walked to the back of the yard and sure enough, the bowl was full of beer bloated slugs. Fuckin' alcoholics, damn!
It was already 90 degrees out and the bowl was frothing. I gagged and walked away. Now, I had to come up with the chutzpah to deal with the bowl. It took every ounce of fiber I had, to go out that afternoon and dump the bowl. Of course, I wasn't gonna go far and dumped it over the back fence. I wonder how many birds got fucked up on beer marinated slugs?

So, the other night, I'd made this concoction for my nephew with mashed potatoes, hot dogs, butter and cheese. He loves it but goes through spells where he won't eat the hot dogs. I went out back for a smoke break and dumped the hot dogs, out in my special spot, came back to finish my smoke and I'd sat the bowl on a chair I have sitting there, beside my back door. I watched as a bee landed on the bowl, right on a small spot of potatoes. It was a small gob of potato and I watched what looked like a bee humping a gob of potato. He's at eye level and I'm watching this lil freak as he humped the potato. I felt so dirty. He backed up with a perfect ball, smaller than a pea but bigger than his own head. He'd rolled into a perfect ball. He grabs it with all four feet and slowly, begins to fly upwards. He's now flying over my head like a flippin Kamikaze, I'm waiting for his dive, killed by a potato bomb. But he flew off with booty. Did he bring it to the Queen or sneak it off somewhere and secretly eat it?

Then, a couple weeks ago, my lil sis and I are sitting on the side porch, drinking, smoking and shooting the shit. We've managed to get shit faced, sitting in the dark, short of the small amount of light seeping out from inside. She's on one side of the porch, I'm on the other, in our respective rocking chairs, like a couple of old biddy's, drunken old bitches, at that. This is a small porch, towards the front of the house with the steps, in the middle between us. It's pitch black, a beautiful evening. We didn't put the light on cause it draws bugs. All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I see something, the size of a cat, jump up on the porch, right up the side of the steps. My sis is doing this scream, pause, scream, pause and she's up, feet first, in her chair. I quickly deduce that it's a raccoon and bravely stand up, as he stands there, looking at me. "Don't move," I tell my sis, as if I have everything under control. He's just standing there, of course, it seemed like forever, just looking at me. I took off my flip-flop and acted like I was going to hit him with it, shooing him or I was gonna shoe him. He finally went down the steps, after I lunged at him and he jumped up on the 10ft. fence and jumped over into the neighbor's yard. He probably was wondering but not really worried about the crazy bitch with a flip-flop. "Don't worry, little sister, I'm armed with my trusty flip flop and I will fuck him up!"

I have to wonder, what the hell he was doing? Raccoons don't usually do shit like that. He must've heard, I throw good parties from the Slug Community?

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Webmiztris said...

oh man, I would have been scared shitless over the raccoon. those things will tear your fucking face off....lol!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Webmiztris, I was brave, huh? lol! They also carry rabies, lil buggers!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, you crack me up. I am aching from laughing.

I so do not do the outdoors either -- not even for the kids -- and I don't smoke. We don't have slugs but we have snails, which are also nasty to step on. I wonder if snails are alcoholics too -- if they hang around my house, they probably are!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

MPJ, maybe you should start smoking so you can be in my, "One with Nature Club?"What, snails have the shell, right? I don't know? I gotta look this up. Let me know if you start smoking, I'll send ya the Club Application.