Suicidal Tendancies

Xmichra has a picture, showing the proper way to slit your wrists. Dark humor is my forte, of course. In conversation with my sons, we've all talked about how we would or wouldn't off ourselves and how we'd want or not want to die.

I have been in dire straights, felt suicidal and so on. Back in the day, when my heroin use run rampant, I'd often thought of offing myself, an option, quite appealing when one is kicking good ol Heroin. Of course, I always have stated that if I really wanted to kill myself, I'd do it with heroin. The problem with all of that is the fact that if I had the heroin, enough to do myself in, I'd talk myself out of it and do enough for a good ride. I mean, if you've got some good shit, why would you wanna go and fuck it all up by doing too much. I never did too much as it'd make me nod. Nope, I wanted to be up, ram rodding and carrying on.

Next Step. So, if I knew I could never do it like that, you know with heroin, maybe I could shoot myself? I gave it great thought, ya know? I envisioned the actuality of it. No, I couldn't hang myself, so tacky. I don't know how anybody manages to drown themselves, I mean really?

The old Carbon Monoxide gig, is a good consideration and I thought maybe, I'd do some pills, go to sleep and suck up the air, in my garage. Fuck, I don't have a garage. It would be damn inconsiderate of me, to borrow somebody's garage, huh? I mean, what's the etiquette on that one? I'd better write Miss Manners.

OK, so maybe slit my wrists? What a frigin mess. Although, I've heard if you get into a hot tub of water, you'll bleed out quicker. Self loathing aside, I'd have a hard time inflicting, that kinda pain on myself, i.e., slitting my wrists, ankle, femoral artery or at my ankles and armpits. Hey if you're gonna do it, don't fuck around, right?

They say men like to get naked before they kill themselves. I have no idea why and they also say that men are messier, when it comes to things like that, where as women, tend to be more methodical and will use less violent means to kill themselves. The messy aspect of the suicidal male, does not surprise me and as my luck would dictate (Hey Darla, how my Dictate?) I'd get some messy motherfucker and I'll leave that one to your imagination but it pisses me off thinking about it. Inconsiderate asshole. I wouldn't pine for him, in fact, I'd probably cop a new charge for disfiguring a corpse or something cause I'd stomp a mud hole in his ass, just kick the living fuck outa him.

Burning is not an option. My good pal, Tim Wenzel, who was certifiably insane burned to death but not before he suffered for days. Tim and I became friends, when his Mom, who was my boss, The Head Nurse, at the home of a multi-millionaire, who was my patient. Anyway, Tim's Mom, wanted us to meet and we kinda dated, kinda not and realized we were better as friends, well, I did anyway. Less than a week before he died, Tim and I were at an all nite Perkins. My shift ended at 11pm and Tim picked me up and we went for coffee or Ice Cream, I can't remember. The conversation steered, sardonically towards dieing. We talked about every method known to man and the last thing we said, on the matter was we both agreed, we did not want to burn.

Tim was convinced their was a conspiracy against him. He told me many things, that corroborated his theories and he knew too much about some things, that I shall not mention. He bugged out, time and time again about this shit, thus they'd throw him on the flight deck, on the ward, in the Warren State Hospital. He was a literal basketcase about unplugging appliances, when we were done cooking or what not but he supposedly died from something that was left plugged in, they questioned an accelerant, near by. He'd been trapped by the fire, which burned through his back. He held on for several days, in a burn unit in Erie, Pa. Tim was a funny motherfucker but how ironic, that we'd just had the conversation, 3 days before he burned?

You'll shoot your eye out!

I entertained the notion, as I mentioned before, of shooting myself. I always had guns, in the house and most of the time, on me, feeling naked and vulnerable without.

I do recall a time, when I was all fucked up and feeling sorry for myself. I had my .44 Magnum Super Blackhawk, on me and I headed towards the woods. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was even more sick of Sonny and his bullshit. I was tired of fighting with him. He was a sneaky motherfucker and I was tired of tracking him, only to find out, he wasn't doing anything. I was sick of being obsessed with it.

I pulled my car into an off road and sat there. I was out near Dulles Airport, where I used to target shoot. I was there to shoot myself. I had a full revolver. The thought crossed my mind, whether to leave a suicide letter and at that time, couldn't be bothered. I think I did look for paper and pen. I only found a pen. This was just another fine example of no planning on my part, par for the course.

I pulled the gun, from my shoulder holster. This particular model, has a 9 1/2" barrel, it's bigger than me and was my favorite gun. So, I pull it out and slowly raise it, put it to my temple. It was hard to contort my hand and hold it up to my head, so I tried it in my mouth. Eeeeew, I didn't like it, no sir, not at all. I always hated the taste of metal. Ever ate aluminum foil? Oh shit that's gross.

No, I'll have to figure out, a good way to hold it to my temple. Somehow, this is more comfortable, as far as suicides go. Of course my mind is racing, a million thoughts per hour. I thought of my kids and selfishly tried not to. Then, I started arguing with myself, something, in my mind, I am famous for. I do it all the time, just like, if you had an Angel on one shoulder and a Devil on the other. That would describe me, more or less.

One side of me, is calling me a "chicken shit motherfucker and to hurry up." The other side is telling me to "fuck off, who the fuck are you to rush me, you inconsiderate bitch." Oh yea, it was like that. "You are a gutless, piece of shit, waste of skin." I may have even argued out loud, which is even scarier, "Shut the fuck up. You ain't rushing me. You obviously don't realize that you've gotta do this right, you fucking sleaze bucket slut. This is important shit, a big step, you gotta go out right."

They say, that if you're really crazy, you don't know it. I disagree and think some of us, just know, we're a few fries short of a Happy Meal, the cheese is sliding off my pizza. The very fact that I was insane with my split personality, may have stopped me, it wore me down. If I'd not been so busy arguing with myself, I might've just done it but nooooooooo, I gotta talk shit to myself.

I put the gun, back up to my temple again, as I'd argued so long, my hand became tired. "OK, just fucking do it and quit playin, your fruity pants games, you're beginning to bore the fuck outa me. C'mon for god's sake." My hand was shaking, part fear, part common sense, part adrenaline. My finger, on the trigger, I put a little pressure on the trigger and realized, I'd not even cocked the hammer. "What the fuck bozo? Jeeeeez, you'd fuck up a wet dream."

I look in the rear view mirror, look deep into my own eyes, study myself for a minute. Then, tell myself to shut my fat fuckin pie hole. OK, locked and loaded. By now, my arm feels like rubber from holding the gun up, in a contorted fashion and now I can't steady the fucking thing. "You're gonna shoot your big fucking nose off. And then what? Now, you gotta get some fake fuckin nose that flaps in the wind with dirty velcro, lint n shit in it. The wind makes it flip-n-flap cause it's so cheap. Well, of course it's cheap cause now, you're on Medicaid cause you can't do your job, can't find a job. Who wants to hire some stupid bitch who tells people, she blew her own nose off?
Fuck Babz?
Kids are screaming when they see you cause you bend down to talk to them or something and the fucking thing comes undone and all they see is no nose and they scream bloody fucking murder and run for their Moms. Fuck those kids, lil bastards anyway. I can't stand kids." Then, I think about my own and having to live with their Dad cause I can't work my job. " Fuck, I can't let them win. I gotta live to make Sonny, that take it up the ass, punk motherfucker, worthless bitch, miserable. Well, that and to live long enough, to be old and senile and shit on my kids' couch, play in it, all when they have company over.
" This is my mission.

"See you in hell motherfuckers." And I put the gun away, drive home and get drunk.


Old Knudsen said...

Under yer chin, I saw this show in which people used a shotgun and only managed to blow half their faces off boy did they feel/look stupid.

I've been close myself a few times and have come to the conclusion that a gun would be the best way, the main problem in any case would be not getting found until you were dead, you don't want some cunt trying to save you.

archer said...

I'd mainline a big fat generous hit of crystal meth and cocaine--I mean really big, a full gram of each in sterile saline. I mean, if I'm headed for the door, I want a freaking red carpet.

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Old Knudsen, we've had a few suicides in and around me and my family. My Uncle put a shotgun, in his mouth. That worked but oh what a mess, huh? My boyfriend, hung himself in March and I just can't envision doing that or him doing that.
But I suppose under the chin or temple would do it. Frankly, I think I hope I'll just fade out in my sleep.
It would certainly piss me off, if I'd gone to all that trouble and someone rushed me to the hospital and they saved me. I'd no longer be suicidal but both homicidal and suicidal.

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Archer, sounds good but my luck, I'd just wanna go dancing. That would probably explode your heart. What a rush though, huh? Sounds like a way to go.

Xmichra said...

Really i am all for the cutting in the water. Pills make you sick, guns are way too messy, and you really want to be pretty in death right? lol... silly silly notions.

I did the wrist thing, and the funniest shit i had heard was "do you think this was for attention" from the nurse. The doctor looked at the nurse and said "no, this girl knew.. hot water, a little absinthe and vertical cuts. If she was looking for attention, she would ahve flashed her boobs." heheh. I liked that doctor. When i was a little more with it, he said the best thing ever, "don't waste my time again. I am doing this job for those who want to live". Smart guy.

But that was ages ago too. I have not thought things like that in a Looooong time. My princess keeps me a going. She is my world.

Still, i love the dark humour. It *gasp* kills me.. bwaahaaaa

Dirty Bitch Society said...


"don't waste my time again. I am doing this job for those who want to live".

That would've made me think, ya know. People like us think deep, bleed even deeper. But we have gained perspective, have we not?

Xmichra said...

there is persprective for sure. Still, when i look back i think that was reather stupid and selfish. But you just don't see that when you are there. I am really lucky that my frined came home early from work... and really lucky that the paramedics were good at what they do.

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sKILLz said...

I think everyone at point or another has thought about offing themselves.
I too thought that if I was going to do it, it would be by a big shot of the white horse devil, mixed with some Xanax of course!
Funnyin thing is when I would OD without warning I wasnt "ready" to go funny huh?
Funny that Im so fed up with life and wanting to off myself but when an OD happens that I dont plan, "no no its not my time yet".

I dont think I could ever do the gun thing because its a lil messy and Im sure that my mother would want to have an open casket funeral for me.

Plus everytime this came to my mind the people who REALLY cared for crossed my thoughts and what i was going to do to them, and the hurt I would cause them. I think those are the only reasons that stopped me so far.

Xquizit said...

you shoulda called lou from your wireless laptop!

Old Knudsen said...

Suicide is a selfish act so who cares if the gun blowing yer head off makes a mess, its not you cleaning it.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Xmichra, I happen to believe that we go through things, hopefully to learn from it. Some of us who have learned and then use that knowledge to help others become wise. Even if you help one person because you understand, it is real. The fact that we've lived through these emotions, become empathic, even more, is what sets it all apart. If we help just one person, we win over it. Right?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Skillz, may they always cross your thoughts. I think we do heroin to drown out the demons. We just want to shut them up, not kill ourselves. I only wanted to kill myself, that one time before heroin. But countless times after that, when I was dope sick, I just wanted to die. Every single time, once I got the shit, I no longer wanted to off myself. Strange brew G-Friend, strange brew.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Old Knudsen, dammit Da, why do you always gotta be right? This is true, it is the ultimate selfish act. Dieing is bad enough, but we often can't help it but killing yourself leaves so many questions and so much pain. Once again, O'Wise One, you have a point.

Xmichra said...

I talk about things like this often to teens, just because i think that is the age where clarity is just not there. You think that there is... and that you just can't work through tough things, dispicable things. But you can, if you want to and if you are strong. Which is hard, harder then anything. But suicide is the easy way out, and hurts so many. So i like to talk to people about those things, and my two (yes i was that stupid and fucked up) attempts at non-existance and how lucky i am to be alive.

It is a strange and selfish thing to go through... but i find that at least i can talk to people now about these things and help a kid out.

Webmiztris said...

oh man, the story about your friend burning is crazy sad. not to mention the one about you almost shooting your head off. thank god you didn't do it!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Xmichra, insight and perspective are only gained, ascertained by memory. While most can be compassionate, it takes the empathic, those who've lived it to make any trust able sense.It's the memory, of the emotion, that we relay. They say that the body tried to heal itself, even emotionally. Most people gingerly forget their teen filled angst. We draw from it. It's tucked neatly in a box, under the bed. It is why we are able to do what we do; you and I.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Webmiztris, it was real freaky for Tim to burn. The murder case, he knew all about, involving high officials, is being looked at, from what I understand. I hope so.

Many times, I'd have done it except for the fact that I could not let anyone else win and I couldn't leave my kids. If I'd not had children, it may have been a different story. Thanks palsy!

Pittsburgh Fans said...

Glad youz didn't do it Babs.

Pittsburgh Fans

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Pittsburgh Fans, well how cool is that? Thank ya kindly. You know I was in the 'Burgh a couple weeks ago? I missed it but hadn't realized it. I went through Garfield, where I used to live and had never noticed how much of a slum it was. It blew me away how I'd over looked it all. But it was worse than when I left. Damn shame but I sure do thank ya!