My Life On The "F" List

"F" clearly stands for, "Fucked."

So, I wear these Lidoderm Pain Patches. No, you don't get high on 'em ya goofy bastard. On my vacation, I took a butt load of them with me and my oldest son, Lee and I sat around with these pain patches on, as he has neck problems too. On any given day, you will see me with these dumbass things, stuck all over me. But my Son-in-Law, thought they were like Morphine Patches or something and my son and I were sitting around getting buzzed up.

So, yesterday, I had one of my famous lidoderm patches on my neck. I was out back, on the phone, smoking, talking with my middle son, Bill. Like some fuckin Kamikaze, I was first struck in the head by something, a large bug, I knew that much. Next thing ya know, I feel all this wiggling and squirming on my neck. Holy fuck, it was stuck to my pain patch on a spot that had come undone.

Now what? Bill is steady talking, as this whole thing goes on and I kindly tell him to hold on and he keeps talking, "Hold on," I said again, this time more assertively. I'm flipping the fuck out inside. He won't stop talking and last I knew, I'm growling "Fucking hold on, Jesus!" and I threw the phone. This thing is violently flailing about at my neck. Now, the approach? I ripped the patch off my neck, of course taking all the hair with it and all the courage I could muster. Oh fuck! It was a grasshopper. That bastard! This would only happen to me, only me!

12 comments:

brotherray said...

HAHAHAHAHA! That is too funny!! Patch on to soothe, even some placebo effect possibly noticed on the thoughts of possible morphine, and then....as the patch takes hold the great bug takes hold too! Holy SMOKES I would have jumped HIGH! I did jump REAL high the other day - horrible experience with a spider (big one) and my retarded dog. Maybe one day I'll be able to revisit it and write about it!

Love ya big, baby. Going to catch up some. Been a long time.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Brotherray, oh it's all fun and games till it happens to you, lol!

Yes, you will have to share in your pain and tell the story. You know, misery just loves to fuck company, right? hahaha!!

Xmichra said...

LOL!!! Yes Babs, ONLY YOU. hehehe.... that is too funny... hehe...

archer said...

Once when I was 9 I brought home a funny-looking little yellow tent thingie attached to a stick and I left it on some table and forgot about it until the spring, when it hatched out into 100000000000000000000000000000
little teeny-weeny praying mantises that drove my mom shrieking from the house. Boy did I get yelled at.

JerseyTjej said...

Do the patches have a smell? EWWWW!!!!!
I need to shower after reading that.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Xmichra, I'm sure it was a hideous display of insanity, on my part. I flipped the fuck out, hahaha!!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Archer, I may have had to kill you, if you were one of mine. Now, you get on the phone right now and you call your Mom and apologize, lol! That woulda flipped me out, omg! I bet you were a bad boy, weren't you?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Jersey, I never smelled anything but they are kinda cold and gooey. Now add a green grasshopper and you've got a big time "Eeeeeeeew Factor." It was yukky!

Bedazzler said...

Lucky you didn't swallow for once...

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Bedazzler, that's a first. You'd have been proud of the fancy footwork, the moves I made, when I got that stuck on me. You'd have thought I was at the club, flailing about. Yuk!

sKILLz said...

I used to have those patches. They dont get you high but they do help with the pain.
now if one would have been stuck under mine I might have just smacked i until I knew it was dead and then pealed the sucker off.
Either way It would have been nasty!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Skillz, it was a true dilemma, one which I do not care to do again. Fuck it freaked me out, yuk!