101 Stupid Things

1. I am a woman of my word, thus, I am doing this.

2. I can't stand a liar.

3.I lied a lot when I was little but will now, tell you everything, more than the truth.

4.There was a time, when I thought wearing glasses, showed a weakness and I wouldn't wear mine. It wasn't really vanity, I just wouldn't wear them so you couldn't hit me and drive them into my eyes.

5. I still won't wear hoop earrings because of the times when I would fight.

6. I've had 4 nerves moved.

7. I've had 2 ribs removed.

8. I was screwed; I had 5 screws in my arm, I still have one left and it is bent.

9. I qualified Expert with the Sheriff's Dept, as a young woman with all guns but a shotgun. It knocked me on my ass.

10.I worked as a Cost analyst and created an assessment program for a multi-million dollar company.

11.I'd been out of school for 12 years and went back.

12.I have noticed that I have developed some real quirky habits. I laugh at myself, when I do them and tell myself that I'm crazy.

13. Speaking of crazy; A psychiatrist diagnosed me as Matricidal, when I was 14. He was and is full of shit and I then threatened to kill him.

14. I thought I was famous, when I was 6 and won a dance contest and was on the radio. I did the Twist.

15. I was stabbed with an ice pick, in a fight. It was embedded in my leg but I still kicked his ass. I still have the mark, a raised lump on my leg.

16. I was accused of stabbing a girl with an ice pick, collapsing her lung. I later proved it was not me and I had an alibi.

17. My Mom, threw me out of the house, for good, when I was 14. I was high on Purple Haze. Buzz Kill!!

18. I've had 5 professional careers and carried a gun, for two of them.

19. I've had my nose broken 5 times and had 4 concussions. When I was 18, they almost had to put me in a nursing home because I had serious injuries and brain damage. (Explains it all, huh?)

20. I had short term memory loss but can still remember playing in my crib and can tell you all about where I lived and so on, from the time I was two. My Mom claims, she'd taken the bottle from me by 18 months old cause Dr. Spock claimed it was proper but I can remember drinking my bottle, in the stroller. I even told her about a time, when I threw a temper tantrum, at the store, where we lived. She remembered me turning blue, holding my breath but we moved from there, before I was two. I even told her about the chocolaty stuff, I loved in my bottle. She was enthralled as she would put Metracal, a diet drink shake from 1961, that I loved and I remembered it.

21. I have 2 blood brothers and a sister and two half brothers. I have 6 step-brothers and sisters. We were the fucked up Brady Bunch.

22. I played Patsy Cline, so much when I was a kid, my Mom hid the record. I then went on to Bobby Vinton and would stay in my room and sing. I recorded a record, when I was 4. My Mom still has the recording.

23. I had a crush on Davey Jones of the Monkees. I wrote him and he wrote me back. I was certain he was going to marry me. It was a stamped signature.

24. I tortured my Barbie dolls and painted nipples on them with pink nail polish. I burnt Ken's crotch with a match. I would tie Barbie up and Ken would do stuff but Barbie would get loose and she's the one who burned Ken's crotch. He deserved it.

24. My parents were convinced I was possessed and took me to Georgetown University to be exorcised. I was there, every Friday night for months. Cool place.

25. I danced topless in a bar called Clancy's in D.C., when I was 16. I hated it.

26.My legal initials are B.J.O'D.W.M.B.

27. I got my first Tattoo, when I was 16, in a D.C. Parlor by this guy. I wanted it, forged a check for $500, bought some Killerweed and my tat. A bunch of guys from the Pagans MC, took me and watched me get it. I was sweating bullets. A guy at a party, tried to pick me up and I told him to fuck off. He said, I was, "A snake wrapped around a rose." I never knew what that meant but that's the tat I got. It's 6 plus inches, bigger than I had envisioned. It got huge, when I was pregnant. Now, it looks like an Anaconda, wrapped around a dieing flower.

28. Two of my sons, have Tat's in my memory, for my nickname, "Barbwire." I said that before I die, I want them all to have it. One son to go and I'm afraid, if he gets it, I'll kick the bucket.

29. My favorite color is Black. I will wear it till they come up with a darker color.

30. Crime does pay.

31.I almost drowned, when I was 12 and with determination, I taught myself to swim. I went on to become Advanced First Aid and Life Guard.

32. My Dad taught me to always face my fears, head on. This teaching, has caused me to do some crazy shit. I can not say things don't scare me but I have stared down many things, including the barrel of a gun. Thankfully, he didn't pull the trigger. But this ideal, has got me in deep shit, more than a hundred times.

33. I am terribly claustrophobic but have faced it, each and every time. I am not afraid of heights but have a healthy respect for it.

34. I have done many things, I am not proud of, including hitting my oldest son,Lee, in the mouth for pouring, an economy size thing of baby powder all over his baby brother. I knocked out a loose baby tooth. I was and am still sorry for that. I never did anything like that again.

35. My youngest, Wam, told me, when he was 16, I punched him in the mouth. He was going to call me a fucking bitch and got the "Fucking B," part out and I punched him and split his lip. I don't take that one back.

36. My middle son, Bill, was sick of his brother, Wam, wearing his clothes and confronted him, in the dead of winter, on a street corner, in front of his friends. Bill told Wam to take them off, right now and Wam was down to his boxers and threw his clothes at him, in the snow. I was walking up the street with a fresh cup of coffee and saw it all. I whipped the hot coffee, at Bill. He dodged it like the matrix, it was slo-mo. I don't take that one back, either.

37. I stole my parents car, for the first time, when I was 13. All my sons, stole my car from me. Pay backs a bitch.

38. I have an unhealthy obsession with plucking hairs, all my hair, except on my head.

39. I chew my cheek and tongue and have TMJ. I grit my teeth constantly.

40. I started blogging, in 2003 because I had an 8pm curfew.

41. I am a black widow. Every guy I've been serious about, has either died, almost died, killed themselves or dieing. My last boyfriend, killed himself in March and my ex husband, was almost killed in a drug situation, just last week.

42. My hair used to be down to the back of my knees. My first husband is buried with that pony tail.

43. I would rather laugh than cry and will laugh inappropriately.

44. I will gag, if there's a dead animal, on the side of the road. But I have sewn people up and can be morbid except when it comes to animals. I will puke if I smell, a dead animal.

45. I hate bugs and will do a eeeeeew dance, if I step on a slug. They should be outlawed. When I was a kid, we used to roller skate over them and pour salt on them.

46. I love Mexican food. I hate liver. I will eat Tyson's Buffalo Chicken strips 2-3 times a week.

47. I caught Crabs, twice, when I was a teenager. I got head lice, once, when all my sons got it and the entire school had an outbreak. I freaked out but my sons loved sitting at my feet, so I could check their heads and pick nits. They would tell me their heads itched, just so I would mess with their hair.

48. I had an unhealthy obsession with picking my husbands' pimples.

49. I cut my last husbands toenails for him or he would just break them off.

50. I plucked my last boyfriend's uni-brow and he enjoyed it.

51. My last boyfriend (RIP) was 34, when we started going out. I loved him.

52. I don't like getting old and used to say I'd be senile by 45. Is that what's wrong with me?

53. I had my first orgasm at 14, under the faucet. I then discovered the back massager, in storage. It would dim the lights and was real loud. I would skip school and come home and use it, every day, when everybody was at work. It was my first love affair.

54. I love to have new socks.

55. I'd not used a computer, before my parents gave me a laptop in 2003. I crashed it twice and had to teach myself everything about it.

56. I would have celebrated my 32nd Wedding Anniversary on June 29th. Although, I call Sonny, my husband, I never married him and was only married to one man, since I was 16.

57. I've had 7+ marriage proposals, one by a Mafia Capo, when I was 16.

58. I was made to go camping, by my Dad and step-mom, near the Susquehanna River, when I was 14-15. I planted pot seeds, all around those woods. I wonder how their doing?

59. I've taken a hit or two but have not really smoked pot since 1975. I think I'll begin again.

60. I once crashed my Econoline van, into a grocery store when the Master Cylinder went out. This was innovative and before it's time for drive-through grocery.

61. I once fell down a steep cliff and saw my life flash before my eyes. I had only a few scratches but was shaking like a cat, shitting peach pits.

62. A man wrecked his brand new Corvette and went over an embankment. He could be heard muttering, that he had seen me, walking and was watching my ass, when he wrecked.

63. When I sell my book, I want to buy some land and have a, "Fag Farm." It will be a retreat for wayward and artistic gay men. I then want to open a Club with a VIP room and another room where you can get Tattoo's and Piercings. Dream Big, right?

64. I am extremely bored lately. I am unmotivated and have lost my MoJo.

65. I can be blunt and truly do not give a flying fuck what people think about me, anymore. Of course, I want to be liked but if you don't...fuck off.

66. I have no time for whiners and can't even stand to listen to myself complain. At the same time, I am very patient, considerate and understanding.

67. I am a walking contradiction.

68. I loathe the PC bullshit. I believe in being considerate of others feelings. But if you are trying to be a drama queen and looking to be offended and choose to take everything personal, I want to smack you and tell you to get over it and get a life. Find a hobby and quit your belly aching. Hatred is one thing, I will not tolerate and I will defend that person but if hatred is not behind something, don't go away mad, just go away!

69. I will not do 69. I have hang-ups about it and can not relax. However, I do give a mean blow job or so I'm told.

70. I once had a dream, I slept with Chuck Norris. I don't like Chuck Norris.

71. I can not live without my music. It has been my life.

72. When I die, I want them to play Amazing Grace with bagpipes. It can be a recording, I don't care. Then, throw a big ass party.

73. I am a faithful member of the Loyal Order of Knudsenite's.

74. I have a bunion from wearing high heels. I now prefer steel toed boots, in the winter. I am attracted to high heels, still.

75. I will look at pictures and first look at their face and then their feet.

76. You can tell a lot from a man's feet and fingers. I do notice.

77. I love the number 7, it is my favorite, along with three. But bad things have happened to me, i.e. my worst car accident was on 7/17/77 and Sonny's B'Day is 7/27/57 and I wish I'd never met him.

78. Are you bored yet? I am.

79. I am a Grandmother of 5 or more children and the Great Grandmother to my adopted daughters, daughters daughter.

80. I will be one nasty old bitch, if I live to be 80.

81. I never charged, for sex, in my entire life. No, like a dumbass, I gave it away.

82. I would have absolutely no problem being a Dominatrix but you try that weirdo kinky pain shit on me, I'll knock you right the fuck out. I do like a good swat on the ass, during sex and I just love it when you grab my hair but don't try any of that S & M shit on me, you will get your feelings hurt.

83. Why don't men wipe their asses till it's all gone? This is why they have skid marks in their underwear. They are too impatient and don't finish the job.

84. I breast fed all three sons. They all love boobs, even the gay one.

85. I was court ordered to a learning disabled school, when I was 14 and I rode a short bus. There were kids with helmets. Yes, that pissed me off and my parents did it to get even for me stealing their Cadillac.

86. Kids that wear helmets, always have fucked up hair.

87. I spoke fluent German as a child as my Nanny was from Heidelberg. I still dream in German but not much anymore.

88. I once left my second husband/boyfriend, live in fuck for a Puerto Rican Drug Lord. He was an older man and not long after we were together, he went on the run, as he was wanted by the DEA. He's still on the run, I think?

89. I knocked my front teeth out, when I was a kid and they had to sew them back in.

90. I must use hand lotion constantly.

91. I smoke Marlboro Menthols and I like the new Marlboro Smooths. I often smoke like I'm going to the Electric Chair in one hour.

92. I used to drink straight whiskey with a coke chaser. I now drink Vodka and Iced tea.

93. I once puked Raspberry Schnapps, all over my boyfriends brand new Nike's.
He stuck his finger down my throat and I puked. I will never drink that shit again.

94. My ex, once OD'd on psychotropics and was convinced that the people in the wall were stealing his milk and cigarettes. We had no telephone but he talked on it for an hour. We didn't have electric either but he watched the TV, all day long.

95. I once had sex, on a pool table, after hours, at a bar. My husband and her husband watched. He says it was the greatest day of his life and 16+ years later, he still gets a wood, if he thinks about it.

96. I love flip-flops and of course, I own a black pair for evening wear.

97. I am wearing my Prison bra with my last name and DOC #OF6708 on the inside. It's comfortable.

98. I once bought a Cadillac, off the show room floor. It was silver with gray leather seats.

99. I can't stand a braggart, oh fuck! Especially ones, who ain't got a pot to piss in now!

100. I can still put my foot behind my head but I'm not into pain.

101. I do believe this was the most boring thing, I've ever written.


Miz UV said...

You love flip-flops?!? YOU FREAK!!!

Seriously, this was the most interesting 100 (101) I've seen. Most are Ambien, including mine (since taken down cuz I couldn't bear how boring they were).

Can't wait to read your book!

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Miz UV, yes I'm as guilty as sin about flip flops. I mainly wear them around the house but I do have several nice ornate, beaded sandals for going out. Look at me defending myself, hahaha!!

Well, I think you may be just being generous, as I found the list a bit stagnant but what are friends for other than to lie to us and make us feel better, right? lol! thanks friend!

Dirty Bitch Society said...

PS, "I" can't wait to read the book. I've not heard from my author, he may have gone awol? But he is a busy man. Thanks again!

Webmiztris said...

that wasn't boring at all, babs!

I love the skid mark one. that's so true! men are so fucking lazy....lol!

I can put my feet behind my head too. now that I have a videocamera, I'll be sure to tape myself doing it and put it on my blog! be on the lookout....ha!

archer said...

I think I'm in love.

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Webmiztris, again, what are friends for than to placate their boring shit. I appreciate that, lol!
Yes, men never follow through, ya know? I mean, you'd think after so many years, they'd figure out that if they just use a baby wipe or something, their ass wouldn't itch all the time. I got real tired of my husband scooting across the carpet. It's just not as amusing as the dog, you know?

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Webmiztris, ps, I will surely wait, in lurk, behind a bush, for that video. I think Archer will be there too.

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Archer, I know you're talking about Dawn, you dirty freaky bugger. Wanna make some popcorn with me and we'll watch her feet behind the head video, together? Extra butter???

archer said...

Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT. I am trying to get some work done here.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Archer, work is over rated. Now, how many times in your life, do you have the opportunity to see that? I mean some things are more important and you have to be able to tell the grandkids stories, ya know? It's your duty! Think of it as a compilation of events, though they may be sordid, dirty, naughty, imprint to memory visions, of Dawn in that lil black dress, smiling, legs behind her head...

archer said...

Fuck that. Let's do soemthing wholesome such as finding Davey Jones and stomping in his face.

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Archer, let me shine my boots up and I'll meet ya at the subway. I'll be the one with the flannel shirt, in 90 degree heat. (You have to wear flannel to do any kind of stomping, ya know?)I'll put Skynard on the iPod.

Old Knudsen said...

Nice one I will officially write you up for the Knudsen nation but I'm a little # 64 myself, you are most worthy.

Xmichra said...

I don't think that was boring at all. And there were quite a few i could identify with... especially the first 5.

brotherray said...

Oh that was WONDERFUL! I read every word and loved it! Ice picks - oh yeah. My ex had a nasty wound from an ice pick wound, wound up septic from it (I didn't stab him, but he was always afraid I might). No hoop earrings here, either, for the same reason. Black widow, ooo can relate (3 here - two died in high speed chases being chased by the law; one from an OD). No 69's. Way too confusing. Just let me go down or you go down - but get that 69 shit outta my way.


DirtyBitchSociety said...

Old Knudsen, I only did it cause you were brave enough to do it. Yes, I must find my MoJo, some asshole probably stole it?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Xmichra, I imagine as you were doing your 101, didn't you think, damn they must've already read all this? I know, I talk about everything and anything, so I figured it'd bore the piss outa everyone. kinda fun though, huh?

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Brotherray, we are two peas, huh? Cut from the same pair of jeans. Funny, huh?

Xmichra said...

are you kidding me?? I was trying not to repeat the other THREE 101's i have done. Impossible since there are a few things that just have to be noted for new people. But still.. i thought it would be boring to read about bitter happy me. hehe.

Dirty Bitch Society said...

Xmichra, bitter happy, hahaha! We'll do anything for Knudsen, huh? I'm surprised he did his, as he hates meme's. Hope he doesn't ask us to post naked pics, I'm in trouble, lol!

Bedazzler said...

17. My Mom, threw me out of the house, for good, when I was 14. I was high on Purple Haze. Buzz Kill!!


Bedazzler said...

"My Mom claims, she'd taken the bottle from me by 18 months old"

Yeah me too, but actually it DID have alcohol in it in my case.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Bedazzler, haha, it was a real buzz kill. She threw my shit in the driveway, in two paper bags and my panties went everywhere. Why she only threw in the raggers and not the good ones, well, it was a real slap in the face.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Bedazzler, I was tripping my ass off. I'd not done acid before that and I'd taken a hit and expected it all right away. So, I took another hit. Next thing ya know, we're driving through the car wash, over and over, me and these guys in a hippie van. I was supposed to be home and was sitting in the van, doing bong hits of hash, when good ol Mom rolls up. I was wasted.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Bedazzler, such an elicit life, such good mammorys, I mean memories.

Bedazzler said...

"She threw my shit in the driveway, in two paper bags and my panties went everywhere. Why she only threw in the raggers and not the good ones, well, it was a real slap in the face. "

Well I am sure you read Lolita's post on ragger undies.

Bedazzler said...

I can't remember what you went to the bighouse for, all I remember is some post of you standing in front of some fucker who deserved it, about to pull the trigger. There's no doubt he deserved it.

Anyway point is, where can I get a prison bra? Or can you post a phot of it?

You'll probably ask why, so ok...I've been commissioned to design a keg holder.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Bedazzler, I will of course, do my homework and read the ragger post. Thank the good, that I no longer have to worry about that. "Free at last, free at last..."

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Bedazzler, these bras, believe it or not, are made by men, in other prisons. Not very sporty, posh or pleasant but I do imagine, they'd make a keen keg holder. Later, when I get more batteries, I'll take a pic, just for you.
(You know it's been lonely, when you go through an eight pack of batteries and then steal the ones from your camera, just to have a torrid, steamy romance with Mr.Shakerattlenroll.)

~Miss Smack said...

WOW that was so interesting and frenzied and scary and fascinating. Seriously. loved it.

x Smack

One Wacky Mom said...

#81...never charging, never did...

How hilarious is that?

Course now I could use the money now, but I'm quite sure nobody would pay! Nope, I'm quite sure they LOL.

I think my favorites are 81, 82 and 83...

I thought it was fascinating, absolutely riveting and probably the most interesting read I've read in a long long time my friend!!!!